Energetic hierarchy in the family
Energetic hierarchy in the family
All parents strive to provide the best upbringing for their children. However, at times, they find themselves swayed by the unhealthy societal norms and structural confines, inadvertently substituting a natural way of life with an artificial energetic hierarchy within the family.
In every family, an energetic hierarchy exists, much like in the animal kingdom. When observing animals moving together, one can discern the distinct position of each member. Parents typically lead the group, with the children following behind. This arrangement isn't indicative of an unhealthy authoritarian system but rather a natural familial structure rooted in the parents' role as protectors and guides, given their greater experience.
Regrettably, clear, energetic roles are often lacking in modern society's family dynamics. Occasionally, children are placed in leadership roles while parents assume a subordinate position. This imbalance precipitates numerous issues.
When a child joins a family, they initially adapt to the parent's guidance. While it's natural for parents to serve the needs of infants initially, there comes a point where this dynamic must shift, and the child begins to follow the parents' lead. Instances such as preparing separate meals for children or making significant life decisions based on their desires have become commonplace.
What happens when we give the child the role of a leader?
Placing a child in the role of family leader can foster narcissistic tendencies, stress, ADHD, and aggression in adulthood, among other issues.
But why do parents resort to this?
Many contemporary parents struggle to allocate sufficient time to their children amidst work commitments, relying on grandparents, nannies, or daycare facilities. This can evoke feelings of guilt, leading parents to compensate by indulging their children's various whims and desires in an unhealthy manner.
Another factor contributing to this phenomenon is parents' attempts to avoid repeating the mistakes of their own upbringing, such as lacking the means to purchase toys or imposing overly rigid boundaries. In their efforts to counteract these perceived deficiencies, they swing to the opposite extreme, unaware that this may not align with their children's true needs.
A child doesn't require an abundance of toys or specialized food; what they truly need is affection, quality time with both parents fully present, and clearly defined boundaries that allow them to relax into a follower role without assuming the weight of leadership from such a young age.
Furthermore, fostering narcissism in a child's psyche can lead to increased rebellion during adolescence, which is detrimental to both the child and the parent.
A prevalent societal belief perpetuating this hierarchy imbalance is the notion that parents must sacrifice their lives for their children. Upon a child's arrival, parents often abandon personal pursuits, passions, friendships, and even their relationship as a couple.
A healthy child thrives in an environment where love blossoms between the mother and father. They respect their parents' need for privacy and intimacy, understanding that their bedroom is a sanctuary for the couple's bond. Witnessing moments of affection and love between parents is just as crucial as observing their disagreements.
Many parents overlook nurturing their relationship post-childbirth, failing to realize that a strong, loving bond between partners is key to preventing Oedipus or Electra complexes. A weak relationship between parents may prompt children to assume partner roles, disrupting familial dynamics.
When I advocate for children to assume follower roles within the family, I don't endorse authoritarian treatment. Establishing a leader-follower dynamic is about fostering trust, not authority. Parents can only impart this trust to their children if they, too, understand how to be good followers, respecting the boundaries and limitations of others.
